A Letter To Trevor

**I hesitate to post this because it has nothing to do with running but as I read and re-read my blog title:  “Running For Trevor” I realize that this blog is more than a running blog.  This blog is a journal about my journey as a person and overcoming the death of my little brother Trevor.

Trevor – 2 years ago I lost you and in that moment I lost myself too.  I remember the details vividly and never want to forget.  The night before you passed we were together in my house.  We ate pasta for dinner, we laughed, and we talked on the porch as was often our nightly routine.  I made you watch Dancing With The Stars with me on TV and you were vibrant, breathing, young, and alive.  You were 21 years old, I was 23 and our entire lives lied ahead.

The next morning I was awoken but not by my alarm clock.  It was Mom and Dad in my bedroom at 4am.  They didn’t have to say a word because I knew why they were there.  We didn’t talk at all but Dad hugged me and promised me everything would be okay.  He was so strong, so inspired, and he promised me in that moment that this happened for a reason and I must have faith.  I knelt to the ground and wept until I was numb from all the tears.  I was so confused, so afraid, and so scared.  I didn’t understand.  Why?  Why was this happening?  Why Trevor?  Why me?  No. No. No!  It could not be real.  Dad drove me to the Hospital to see your body and it was in that moment that I was comforted.  You were not breathing but you were clearly at peace and I have never seen you happier.  There was a smile on your face and I could tell that your worldly limitations had been lifted.  It still wasn’t fair and I didn’t understand but for some reason I knew that you were okay.

After your funeral I hit rock bottom.  I had faith that you were okay but I was the one that was not okay. I was lost without you.  I wanted my life to end and was jealous that you got the easy ticket out.  I wanted to hide, I wanted to run away….I missed you and I was mad at you!  How could you leave me here without you and all by myself?  I felt all alone and I was still so confused.  We were best friends, we shared everything, we always had each other.  We talked every single day at 4:30pm and everyday after your death I would still call you at 4:30pm but this time no one would pick up.  I did this for 2 full weeks secretly praying that you would pick up the phone, that I could bring you back, or just simply hear your voice.  One day I called and after hundreds of rings again no one answered.  I hung up the phone and threw it in my car and then I cried.  I cried, and I cried and I cried. 

In that moment I realized I could not bring you back.  You were gone and I couldn’t fix that but what I could do is start living my life for you.  I was blessed with the gift of life and I had two choices:  I could be depressed and dwell on the past, or I could change my life and move forward in your honor.  That day I chose to live.  Before you passed I was lost and very depressed.  I hid my feelings well on the outside but inside I was slowly dying.  I lacked confidence, I was sad and unhappy and had no real sense of what I was really living for.  But on that day something changed.   I realized I wasn’t just living for me anymore, now I was living for you too.  I changed my attitude, I embraced life, and I realized that every day truly is a gift.  Things may not always go as planned but every day that I wake up and take that first breath is a gift. A gift that you no longer have but that I have been blessed with.

I never again will take this gift for granted.  The last 2 years without you have been hard.  They have tested my strength, my will power, my testimony, and my faith.  But I have grown, I have learned so much, I have changed, and more than anything I have chose to embrace life.

Trevor thank you for leading me to the light and thank you for letting me live in your memory.

Thank you for helping me and guiding me to find my inner confidence.

Thank you for teaching me to always fight and to never give up when the going gets tough.

Thank you for showing me that I am capable of more than I ever thought possible.

Thank you for leading me to my passion of running and letting me carry your spirit with me on every single run.

Thank you for your example and humbleness that I strive to live up to every single day.

Thank you for your never ending compassion and love.

Thank you for trusting me to live every single day for you.

Trevor I know that I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes along the way but I promise you that I will strive to live every single day to the fullest BECAUSE I CAN.

Every day is a gift!